How Crazy is My Husband?

(And, perhaps a better question, how crazy has he made me?)

It is the hubby's 40th birthday this weekend and so I have lots of celebratory activities planned. "What do you have planned?" you ask. Well, you see, I can't tell you, because it's a surprise for the hubby.

I told him to block out his planner from Friday morning until Sunday evening and just put "Obey your wife."

Now, since my husband is actually no where near 40, maturity-level-wise, he's been trying to find out what the plans are.

He's tried the old, "I talked to so-and-so today and he told me about the party, so you can just tell me the rest of the details."

He's tried casually asking me, "What are we doing this weekend?" at times when he thinks I'm distracted or when I'm just falling asleep.

And, yesterday, he tried this--I opened an e-mail from him and saw:
HUBBY*: I love you so much! I can't wait to see you to...

(SCUFFLE ENSUES. SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE OFFSTAGE. THE HUSBAND IS TAKEN HOSTAGE BY TWO ARMED MEN IN HOODS)
HUBBY: What the...?!!

ARMED MAN #1: Quiet down, buster and you won't get hurt!

HUBBY: (nervously) What do you want?

ARMED MAN #2: It's actually quite simple. (BEAT) All we want is your itinerary for this weekend.

ARMED MAN #1: And then we will let you go...

HUBBY: But... I don't know what I'm doing this weekend! Honestly... my wife wouldn't tell me!

ARMED MAN #2: Is that her over there, in front of the computer?

HUBBY: Yes.

ARMED MAN #2: (walking up to computer monitor and peering threateningly at the wife) Listen lady! If you want to see your...

HUBBY: Honey! Just tell them what they want! Just answer...

(ARMED MAN #1 belts the husband across thre face. The husband, stunned, falls back, defeated in his chair)

ARMED MAN #2: Keep him quiet! As I was saying... if you want to see your husband again, you better have a good answer to this question... What is he doing this weekend?

WIFE:

*Note: Names have been changed to protect the insane.

So here's what I wrote back:
WIFE: Alright. I'll tell you. But I don't want to ruin the surprise for my husband, so let's take it outside.

ARMED MAN #2: Fair enough. (To Armed Man #1) You keep an eye on this guy. Don't let him move. (To her) Ok. Let's go.

(WIFE and ARMED MAN #2 exit together.)

HUBBY (to Armed Man #1): I need to pee. I'll be right back.

ARMED MAN #1: No way.

HUBBY (pointing over ARMED MAN #1's shoulder): Look! The Winged Victory of Samathrace!

(ARMED MAN #1 doesn't look.)

ARMED MAN #1: We're on to your tricks buster. Just sit still and stay put and everything will be fine.

(WIFE and ARMED MAN #2 re-enter.)

ARMED MAN #2 (to wife): Wow, that really is a cool weekend you have planned. Your husband sure is a lucky guy. (to Armed Man #1) Ok, I'm satisfied. Let 'em go. Let's get out of here.

ARMED MAN #1: You're the boss.

(They exit.)

HUBBY: Honey! You saved my life! Thank you!

(The husband takes his wife in his arms and kisses her passionately.)

BLACKOUT.


Shortly after this, I receive an e-mail from "Robert McKee" with the subject line "Your Screenplay."

Here's what it said:

I liked how you developed your characters... I really got a sense that they were willing to hurt the husband and I felt the husband's fear in your writing...

But you neglected to develop the meat of the story... Where is the conflict? Where is the crisis? What's that you say? Nothing is resolved... it's like a reflection of the real world?

The real world? The real fucking world? First of all, if you write a screenplay without conflict or crisis, you'll bore your audience to tears. Secondly: Nothing happens in the real world? Are you out of your fucking mind? People are murdered every day! There's genocide and war and corruption! Every fucking day somewhere in the world somebody sacrifices his life to save someone else! Every fucking day someone somewhere makes a conscious decision to destroy someone else! People find love! People lose it, for Christ's sake! A child watches her mother beaten to death on the steps of a church! Someone goes hungry! Somebody else betrays his best friend for a woman! If you can't find that stuff in life, then you, my friend, don't know much about life! And why the fuck are you taking up my precious time with your screenplay? I don't have any use for it! I don't have any bloody use for it!

So unless you can beef up what the fuck is occurring in this goddamn script, I suggest you stop writing right now and work for the Federal Government or some other lame-ass endeavor!!!

Sincerely,
Robert McKee

Note: I believe an acknowledgment and/or apology is due to Charlie Kaufman here.