I have this friend. We used to be very close but, as sometimes happens, we had sort of drifted apart.
We first became friends in high school. We had a lot of traits in common, one of which was our competitiveness, which put a weird spin on our friendship. I always felt like we were keeping score--who was better at what? (She was good at anything sports-related, I wasn't. We were both A-students, but I did better on standardized tests. Etc., etc.)
Over the years, we've made dramatically different life choices. She's a suburban mom with a big house and several pets. I'm the city girl with no kids and no pets. She hates New York City. I love it. You get the idea.
For years, I've felt like there was still this undercurrent of competition. It's hard to explain, but it seemed like whenever we would talk, she would always make some sort of comment that would hit a nerve. And it would drive me crazy. From my perspective, we didn't need to be competing anymore--we had made such different life choices that I felt like we should just be able to support each other. There were several times, after one of these conversations, when I told myself I was really going to make the effort to go see her (she lives in another state) and hash things out face-to-face once and for all. But I somehow never got around to it.
So, last night, I called her. And finally told her how I felt. And, you know what? She was completely stunned. She had no idea that I felt that way. She agreed with me that we weren't in a competition anymore. The honesty of her reaction made me realize that this whole thing has been my baggage, not hers. I was the one allowing offhand remarks to trigger insecurities I had been apparently and unknowingly harboring since high school. Which I think I can now finally let go of. And work on rebuilding our friendship.
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The Sagacious Empathy
2 weeks ago
5 comments:
It is amazing how many bags of bricks we all carry for whatever reason. I find it the craziest when you realize you can put them down anytime you want!
Good for you, J.
Sometimes, all we need to do is face it in daylight to find out it's all in our heads.
Good for you for moving on.
Another reason why I love you so.
My friends used this aphorism, "you either clear issues, or you live with them forever". Much better to clear them.
How did you learn this? Did you ever do the Men's Weekend?
It's funny how so often 'what' we perceive is way off base. It has happened to me many times and just a few days ago I did it again. And when I finally got through to the person, I felt like an idiot because I had over thought the whole thing and made a 'mountain out of a mole hill'. As I have gotten older I prefer a more direct approach with my friends. This way we don't build resentment over time. I would rather a person be angry with me and then move on. It isn't always pretty, but we always know where we stand. The competition is over.
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